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Seth: Yo. Hey, I was doing some research for next year and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-tastic Voyage.
Evan: Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?
S: The Vag-tastic Voyage is the one where they find random girls on the street, and they invite them into a van and then they bang them in the van. It's like 13 bucks a month and you get access to other sites. Like one's Latina, one's Asian, you know, there's one for fetishes... ..like feet and pee-pee and shit and stuff like that.
E: That's disgusting. You're like an animal.
S: I'm... What? I'm disgusting? You're the weird one, man. Don't make me feel weird because I like porn. You're weird for not liking porn. I'm normal as shit.
E: Peeing on people. That's normal?
S: Evan, I'm not saying I'm gonna look at it. I'm just saying that it comes with the site, okay? I don't know what I'm gonna be into 10 years from now.
E: I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff. I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar, I want a little production value. Like some editing, transition, something. Some music.
S: Yeah, well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get ahold of, okay? Plus your parents are gonna be looking at the bill, dipshit.
E: Yeah, you're right. I probably should pick the one with the least dirty name. What about, like, Perfect Ten? Something like that, you know?
S: Like Perfect Ten?
E: Because that could be any number of things. They can't really get you for that. That could be, like, a bowling website.
S: Yeah, but they don't really show dick going in, which is a huge concern.
E: I didn't realize that.
S: Plus, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
E: Not for me.
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S: Oh, fuck me. Look at those nipples. They're like little baby toes.
E: It's not fair they get to flaunt that stuff and I have to hide every erection I get.
S: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
E: I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and just, like, wanted to see them. I mean, that's the world I one day wanna live in.
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S: When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem.And it's not even that big of a deal. Something like 8 percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's.......For some reason, I don't know why, I would just kind of sit around all day......and draw pictures of dicks.
E: What?
S: Draw pictures of dicks.
E: Dicks? Like a man dick?
S: Yeah. Like a man dick. I'd sit there for hours, drawing dicks. I don't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
E: That's fucked.
S: No shit, it's really fucked up. Here I am, this little kid and I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.
E: All right. I mean, I don't see what this has to do with Becca.
S: Just listen. Okay?
S: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom is where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation I had going on. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think.
S: So I would stash all of my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard. All of a sudden....
Pussy!
E: You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
S: Yeah. I know.
E: Oh, my God!
S: She starts crying. She flips out. And she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest. And he fucking flips out. He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is some religious fanatic. He thinks I'm possessed by some dick devil. My parents make me see a therapist, and he's asking me dick questions. They made me stop eating foods shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no Popsicles. You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
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